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Think About These

Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2017 12:41 pm
by Ken0069
Got this in an Email from a friend this morning. Couple of them are really good! Enjoy!

Think about these...

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom - until they're flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks, but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk...

Re: Think About These

Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2017 5:55 pm
by 406shark
=D>




Jeff

Re: Think About These

Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:10 am
by Ken0069
Got this from a friend today and thought I'd pass it along, and, we might as well make this a running thread while we're at it!
LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANYMORE.

IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL.

A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT.

A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.

NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:

1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.

2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.

3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?

6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.

7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE HYDRANT.

8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.

9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.

10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.

11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.

12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.

13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.

14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.

15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.

17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. . .

17A. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER".

18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE???...OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?